Journal

2007-10-19T15:31:00.001-07:00

Sam died today. She’s 36. She was 36.

I stopped thinking for a moment, for minutes. As if the ground beneath me gave way and I began to fall.

When people die it feels different now that my dad died. I see it different, almost as if I was an omniscient spectator, staring down from above the room. I can see Sam’s room. I went in her house for the first time 3 months ago. We both left early from work and I drove her home to her yellow apartment. She invited me in and I accepted.

The smell was old and moldy. The hardwood floors gave when you walked, more so for her because she was bigger, and there was barely enough light to really see anything clearly. She opened the door to a world of wonder. From floor to ceiling, everywhere was covered. Collectors you could say. Her and her boyfriend collected records, tapes, books, figurines, movies, every little thing. They had build-in shelves for every item, and each little treasure was put on display. I cannot remember if her couch was purple or blue or black, but it was pushed up against a wall of books and things.

We walked into her kitchen. Books from floor to ceiling, wall to wall covered. Some how she fit a microwave, an oven, and a refrigerator in between.

Her bedroom was behind the living room. I don’t remember much, the queen sized bed with a black comforter and more things. Star Wars figures, Batman and Robin, crazy looking skulls, everything you’ve ever seen at a thrift store, in a display case, in comic book magazines.

I can see her dying in there. Maybe it’s because I’ve see where my dad died. I know the smell, the lighting, the way your hair stands on your skin. I know how you body decays so quickly. How dad’s skin slipped off, his limbs separated, his fluids released. I can see her over-weight body lying underneath the comforter. Her jet black hair sprawled out on the pillow. The room dark, a slight sliver of light coming in from the cracks around the window covering. I can see from above, her sleeping. Her round stomach rising and falling with every breath until it stops. She stops.

It’s so close I can touch it. All my sense so aware of what it feels, smells, looks, sounds, and taste like. So close I can reach it. My mind can touch it.

I hate these things I’ve seen.

Fathers Day without a Father

2007-06-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

It’s my first fathers day without my dad. He died 4 ½ months ago, February 7th, 2007. I’ve spent the entire day not really thinking much about it until now, 9:43 a night. A little alone time can make one emotional I guess. I went into my back room and opened the drawer and reached for the black bag under the books which contained the 11 photos, expired drivers licence, and the newspaper clipping from the Sunday, February 18th obituary.

I haven’t looked at these photos in a month. Most of them are such bad quality and for the most part they are picture that hold little meaning to me other than they are the only images I have of my father. His military flag sits on the shelf behind me next to my baseball bobble heads, almost as if he was the flag himself, and he too was standing there with Huston Street and Jason Kendell, only his head wouldn’t shake.

The last time I saw my dad was January 25th, 2007. We spent the day together, helping me pack up my Sacramento apartment for the next days big move to Seattle. Aside from lifting countless boxes up and down the stairs and the tiresome manual labor, January 25th unknowing at the time was one of the best times I’ve spent with my dad. In the midst of trying to move 50lb boxes of records we decided to push them across the apartment parking lot. The grey tubs scraped along the concrete while my dad and I scrambled and pushed behind our boxes racing to the end of the lot. We laughed at childishness, an essence my dad always seems to maintain. And then continued on, lifting the boxes into the back of the truck and going back to work.

And then the couch, the stupid black ikea couch that we decided to take to Seattle. The crooked, bent design of the porch wouldn’t allow us to walk the couch to the end of the stairway, and it was my bright idea for my dad to drop the couch down one story. I, for some reason assumed I would be strong enough to catch it. As my dad said “ready, are you sure, are you ready,” I felt the dead weight come barelling down, pelting me right in the chest. And I laughed and gasped in the same breath as my dad hollered and came running down the stairs. Somehow I managed to stand there, holding the couch upright, and then we moved the couch into the back of the U-Haul. And then laughed at what a stupid idea.

Not once that day did my dad complain. He worked tirelessly as he moved box after box to the end of the stairs. intermittently we would laugh and joke, make a comment about baseball, about how Zito is going to go to the Giants, how the Raiders probably wont be any better this year, and about how much he would miss me, just knowing I wasn’t there.

When it all was packed up, said and done, I gave me dad a hug, he told me to call him tomorrow. He walked out the back alley to his purple PT Cruiser and got into his car. TJ and I walked out the front gate and got into our car. We pulled up behind my dad as he was backing his car out, he waved, and we all were off in our different directions.

I called my dad once or twice on the drive up to Seattle giving him updates here and there. Thursday, February 1st was the last day I spoke to my dad. I called him while driving home after my first day at work. We briefly spoke, said things were good, joked about how sore we were after moving, and then said I love you and hung up the phone while I waited for the light to turn green on the corner of Boren and Broadway at 5:30 that Thursday evening.

I called my dad again on the following Tuesday and left a message telling him I was just checking in. And the another message on Thursday saying “dad you always call me back, hope things are okay, give me a call, just wanted to check it.” He never called back. I spoke with my mom on Saturday, said my dad hadn’t called me back, and suggested someone should maybe check on him, it wasn’t like him to not call back, and we joked and said the only way he wouldn’t call me back was if he was dead.

And he was, he had been, for at least 7 days, probably since that Tuesday I called him. He lay face down, naked, lifeless on his bed. And here things are 4 ½ months later, still calling the coroners office every two weeks with hopes that they may have figured out why he is dead. And still nothing, no answers, no reason. Just one question, why.

____________________________________________________________________________

I miss my dad. I miss the annoying things about him, the way he called all the time, repeated the same things at least three times, how he said “and so, what I’m saying...”. I miss the stupid, gay, purple PT Cruiser, such a lame car for a man to own, and his lime green polos, and his awful, fucking awful, too tight white sweat pants. I miss getting stamps in the mail so I don’t have to buy them at the post office, and getting long, long letters that repeated themselves, hand written, every week or so in the mail. I miss talking about baseball, the conversations we should be having about Zito and the A’s. I hate that my dad didn’t get to watch the 2007 NFL draft. And there is no more crunchy and munchy, no more bullshot talks about how he can still jump rope, no more secret donut store, no more check in calls, no more “I don’t want to run up your phone bill,” no more dad, no more dad, no more dad.

____________________________________________________________________________

My dad is buried out in Dixon at the military memorial park out there. He said he wanted a military funeral, and the flag, the bag pipes, the “whole nine yards.” And he got it. I can hear the bag pipes, feel the wind blow my hair across my face, and I can see the silver box being taken away on some white trash cart to be buried under 6 feet dirt with all the other dads, sons, moms, and whatever other things are out there in the ground.

John Madden said in his hall of fame enshrinement speech that he thinks when the lights go out that all the bust start talking. The one thing that I can hope for my dad, is the in the lonely, dark depths of the underground, the other military men and women start talking. Sharing there stories and finding peace. And my dad is there, telling his stories, and finding peace.

ready, set, go.

2007-06-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

When my one-month break from school set in I had set some goals to accomplish during my short time of freedom. All those things I had pushed aside due to school, these were the things I wanted to do while out of school. With one week left before school starts again, I went back and looked over those things to see if I had accomplished them.

Read a book, send out postcards, take baths, read magazines, put the backlog of cds on my ipod, go to the coffee shop, clean my apartment, and walk my dog.

At this point, I have to say I’m disappointed in myself, I have about a 50% pass rate. Initially I went to the magazine store 3 times in the first two weeks, I have sent out about 6 postcards, taken maybe 10 baths, and gone once after work to a coffee shop. I have however, read ½ a book, cleaned my apartment, and put the cds on my ipod. I also was in New York for ½ a week last week, which made my 4 weeks of freedom more like 3.

It’s been hard not to just sit and watch tv. With MLB extra innings and the Oakland A’ being on tv almost every day, I have spent too much time sitting in front of the tv and sleeping.

But still, there are things I want to do in this last week of freedom. I want to finished my Don DeLillo book, I want to go to the magazine store one more time, I want to take at least 4 more baths this week, and I want to walk my dog if it isn’t raining and go to the coffee shop in the evening.

NYC 2007

2007-06-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

I've posted some photos of my trip to NYC. I'll write more about the records, the paradise garage, the kitchen, the loft, and the shopping soon...but for now.......
NYC ALBUM
OR
NYC Album

coffee shops and conversations

2007-05-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

I had an hour conversation with my best friend Amy two nights ago. She lives in Sacramento and I met her in my last two years of college. We’ve always been so honest and candid in our conversations. When I lived in Sacramento we would meet at the coffee shop and talk and talk and talk. And something about this simple past time felt so perfect and so right.

The other night we were talking about this along with the fact that it’s hard to find a balance in life. As you grow older you still want to be young and as you gain new friends, new interest, and new hobbies, it’s hard to find a middle ground between all of them. So often we tend to do one thing for way too long, push all other interest and pieces of ourselves aside. And then, not too long after we begin to feel the pieces that make us who we are truly start to die.

I’ve done this with my schooling. Because of the time I spend doing school, I’ve pushed things like taking baths, coffee shop time, reading magazines, listening to records, walking around, taking nacho (my dog) to the dog park, and so many other things, I’ve pushed aside. And though my school does take precedence, I still feel an absent, missing feeling.

This is why I have been so excited about school ending on the 19th. I feel as though I get my life back for a month until school starts again. I got a battery charger for my camera so I can start taking photos again, I got postcards – 3 different kinds – so I can start writing again, I bough cleanly supplies and scrubbed my tub so I can take baths again, and soon, very soon, I will find a magazine store.

Along with this, I leave for New York in 3 weeks and 2 days. My first time there, something so big, so new, I’ve never seen. And then I go to Delaware to visit TJ’s grandma. Good food and the beach. Just two months away. And my mom, she’s coming to visit and I look forward to dragging her around everywhere, taking her to the bakery, the beach, the space needle, the market, the lookout point, Solo, everything.

There is much too look forward to, much to feel alive about, and much to be excited for.

6 more days, one more paper, and an ad

2007-05-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how such a simple thing, time, is taken for granted. I've worked full time since I got my BA. And I spent a year out of school before I started grad school. I had from 5pm till the time I went to bed to do what I wanted in that year. And yet I can't remember on thing that I did in those hours. And now, within the last year, 6pm till 10:30 being devoted to school work, I have had no time to do anything and wish I have more time to do everything.

I can't wait for just time, time do do anything. Sleep, take baths, cook dinner, use my step machine, write, read, listen to records, and so on.

I've got 6 more days of school and then summer break. As time has been freeing up I've had time to start doing the things I love doing. The first thing being sending postcards. I've finally had time to search some out, purchase them, and actually send three out.

As time continues to free up, I can't wait for all the other things I will get to do. 6 more days, one more paper, one more ad.

it was bound to happen

2007-05-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

NEW ORDER SUPPOSEDLY SPLIT

"New Order have split up, according to bassist Peter Hook.

As previously reported the band denied they were splitting earlier this year despite drummer Stephen Morris being quoted as saying: "We should stop for a while."

Speaking about his involvement in Perry Farrell's Satellite Party, Peter Hook told Xfm that the band have broken up.

He said: "I spoke to Perry, and he asked me to play bass, as he'd heard about New Order splitting up. Well yeah, me and Bernard (Sumner) aren't working together."

When asked if the split was permanent, he added: "Bernard went off for a break with Electronic, but that was different. But it's like the boy who cried wolf this time."

Listen to the full interview Online on XFM."

there is nothing more to say

2007-04-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

Here in Seattle every band or artist seems to play. And different from Sacramento, I don’t have to drive an hour and half to San Francisco to see them, I can walk down the street or drive five minutes to the show. Last week we saw Ted Leo, Rocky Votolato, and Junior Boys in 5 days. And this week there is Soulwax, The Walkmen, and Minus the Bear.

Last night was Soulwax. The opening guy sucked really badly. Think 1993 rave, as the guy was shouting out “peace love and ecstasy.” Yes, he was that lame. Then there was a 45 minute wait before Soulwax went on and by then it was 12:30. I was trying not to fall asleep while waiting for them to play. And finally they appeared in white collared shirts and accents, ready to play.

The show was a little electro and a little glitchy but half way through, they saved the day. Soulwax mixed their Another Excuse with Kanos- Another Life. Kano’s – Another Life might just be on my top ten songs of all time list and so as I was starting to get lost and dose off in all the sirens and noisy sounds, I awoke to the sound of Kano and was revived.

With that said the show was automatically made awesome. Not to discredit Soulwax, they did sound amazing and mix a ton of great tracks with their music and they did it all live…but it’s Kano. And that’s all there is to say.

Go to American Athlete and scroll down to the Kano - Another Life song and download it now, right now.

nap time

2007-04-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

It’s been a rough start to the morning. One of those where you can’t seem to wake up and then things begin to unravel as the day goes on…it’s only 10:15. Anyways, from waking up late, to the coffee that tastes like crap, the mishap in the mailroom……ehh, frustration. At this point there is one thing, and one thing only that I need - - - a vacation.

I would kill to sit somewhere quite, 76 degrees, ocean side, pina colada in hand, and the sun warming my skin.

And it’s probably not going to happen. Instead I have my world of cubicles, some annoying co-workers, papers and papers to file and input and move somewhere and get for somewhere else. It just keeps growing and growing….

growing

2007-04-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

I’ve taken a break for the last few months due to a variety of rather enormous life changes such as moving to Seattle, my dad passing away, my mom having knee replacement surgery, grad school starting up again, and spending most of January packing and most of February on a plane. But now that things are hopefully settling down I’ve had some time to organize and think.

I’ve finally got myself on a schedule, as 45 year-old housewife as it sounds, I have. And with that comes a realization of the things I’ve let fall to the side in the last 3 months. These things include calling my grandparents, sending postcards out like crazy to my friends, spending time at coffee shops, reading magazines, taking baths, carrying my camera on me at all times in hopes of finding that perfect – not so perfect picture, and lastly keeping up with music.

So I’m taking a proactive approach, and I’m starting or trying to start doing these things again. I guess it’s part of growing up or just me getting busy, but somewhere between responsibility and more responsibility, all the little things, the things that make life meaningful get lost in between.

One of the things I miss the most but can’t seem to get together is journaling. And perhaps this is where the blog comes in. Journaling is a time log of everything that has happened and an honest look at the situations and emotions that have occurred over the years. And when reading in retrospect, you can see how you have grown and changed as a person, in life, life experience, and in thinking.

God knows I don’t have time to journal at home. Between A’s baseball and grad school it’s not happening. But what I have realized is that between work and more work I have some free time to sit down, brose the internet, and think. And this is what a blogs are good for, a journal while I’m working, an alternate solution to track my life, my growth, my growing.

So as the spring and summer moves in, here’s to sending more postcards, taking more photos, my first trip to NYC, taking more baths, drinking more coffee, and trying to keep this thing up and running.

The Compromise

2007-01-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

It’s been a long past few weeks. Between packing, finding a new apartment, school starting soon, changing jobs, every day life, and the list goes on; all of it leaves me tired to say the least.

I spent Monday with my mom going shopping for new rugs and curtains for the new apartment in Seattle. I spent 6 hours with her, by far the longest amount of time she and I have had alone in probably two years. I could get into a lot of background information here, but that’s not the point. The important part is I love my mom, she’s my best friend, and we understand each other
.

As we were talking about me moving and all the changes coming in the next two weeks I made the comment that I think in life you end up compromising. As time goes on you compromise a little here, and then compromise a piece of yourself somewhere else. A little here, and more here, and by the time you’re 40 you’ve compromised yourself away.

We live in a world of compromises, it’s built that way. You can’t have everything, only some things. And so you give up everything for a few things. Because somewhere along the way you were told you have to work for the things you want. But each thing a person wants takes money, and making money take time. And so you spend all your time working and yet you are only able to buy two or three things, and you only have the weekends.

You want the big job and give up 2 hours of you day to the commute. And those two hours used to be spent at coffee shops, dinner with friends, listening to music, doing something other than driving.

You say you want the nice house so you give up the clothes, shoes, dinners out, going out for drinks to make the house payment.

You say you want children so you give up going out, spending time along, and being “in” a relationship to raise children.

For those few big things, you give up all the little things. Compromise.

My mom said something to me she’s never said before while having this conversation. She started crying and said she spent her life compromising and now at 58 years old she’s given up herself to compromises she made along the way. She look at me and said, “Don’t compromise, you don’t have to.” “Do my life of compromise justice by not compromising at all.”

My mom is working on getting herself back. Over the last year she’s finally decided it’s time. But I think most people don’t ever get it. They just continue compromising until there is nothing left to compromise. And from then on out, life means nothing because they have nothing left of themselves.

But for me the conversation meant a lot. I struggle with accepting how my mom lives and the amount of crap she puts up with. I hate watching how her concept of self worth pushes her to stay in crappy situations and deal with people who walk on her daily. My mom is 58 and I hope over the next few years she learns to stop compromising. To take everything she wants and strive to achieve not some of it but all of it. She’s more than able. And deserves the best.

And more so, the piece of that conversation that I have began to spin around in my head is the comment “Do my life justice by not compromising.” I think if there is anything I want it’s for my mom to believe she and her life are worth everything. And so the challenge for me is to not compromise. Not just for me, but for my mom.

some to be desired...

2006-09-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

It’ been some time since I’ve taken the time to write. Depending on the day things feel busy or busier. But in retrospect I am not sure I am all that busy at all.

Anyways, I am a week and half into school and enjoying it. The pace is beginning to pick up which leaves me frightened but still excited. I am learning things and applying them immediately which is great. Most concepts make sense and the more I do the more I want to do. I find myself doing and thinking school stuff at work. I have my note pad at hand to write down any headlines or doodle any ad layouts I conder up while attempting to work. I am excited to go home and work on putting together ad designs. I think I could spend all day doing it for the next 10 years before I got bored. I look forward to sometime having a job within the industry and the excitement and frustration that will come along with the whole process of getting there. All in all, school is good.

The enjoyment of school and what I am learning does make work harder sometimes. My job is easy and I work with great people but I am eager to work in a field I am interested in and to be creating. I love the people I work with, they are by far some of the best people I’ve known in a long time. But mortgage companies leave little to create.

Aside from school I went to see “The Last Kiss” movie by the guy that did “Garden State.” It’s been 2 years since I’ve seen a movie aside from “Taladega Nights: The Balled of Ricky Bobby,” which is the most awesome movie ever created. While watching the movie I came to think it’s been a while since I’ve been motivated or inspired. Within the last two weeks, thanks to school, inspiration and motivation has defiantly started to kick in. But with this comes the realization and acceptance that I am not around things or people that motivate me creatively (aside from TJ, Arthur Russell records, and shopping). Yes, shopping can be motivating. Point being, it’s hard to not create all day, or be around people that understand, relate, and value creative minds. Perhaps they value creativity, but not to the same degree.

I am grateful to school for giving me something enjoyable, something worth learning, and something to look forward to. But in the same moment I am saddened by the fact that at least until my lease is up, I will be in Sacramento and working as a “Loan Partner” in order to make ends meet and stick it out until the opportunity to live and work in a motivating environment arises.

ps. these photos are john washingtons, when ever I get the time I stop by his site to check it out. Such good stuff. Visit his Site

And so it begins…

2006-09-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

So much to say and so little time to say it all in. Point being, I started school today. And though I have spent very little time checking up on my classes, by looking at the course outline for the next 15 weeks I am excited about what I am going to learn while at the same time horrified at the work. Ha. I really want to excel in this. I didn’t care about undergrad and I care about this. I want A’s, I want to be the teachers pet, I want honor role or honors or what ever it is, I want it all. And I want to be my best, not the best, MY Best. I know I wont do everything right and I have to admit I am intimidated by the fact that others have undergrad degrees in graphic design and so forth while I studied English. But I will work hard, and do great. I know it and more importantly for once in my educational career I want to.

Moving along from school… I got a DOG! And I love him! Nacho is his name and he is the laziest little dog that likes to snuggle under the covers and most importantly he makes me smile.

With all this said, I need to go back to work.

into the...

2006-08-29T14:49:00.000-07:00

I go back and forth between being utterly excited about starting grad school and scared shitless. The idea of starting something new, learning so much, and the constant push to think, design, and express creatively excites me. But at the same time commitment, the fear of failing, and the unknown amount of effort that if going to be exerted leaves me fearful.

Depending on the day my mood fluctuates and I either fill overwhelmed or over zealous I guess. My thoughts go a little like this,

“I can’t wait! I don’t know. I can’t wait! Do I really want to know?
I can’t wait. Can I?”

Something can definitely be said for that not so little place called the unknown and though it leaves me excited for the future, I think it also propels me to fear perhaps a little bit more depending on the day.

Either way, I don’t think you can call this the final countdown… but time is definitely on its way.

John Lennon and Communion

2006-08-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

“in the name of the father, the son, and Lennon.”
“And the Beatles.”
“And the Beatles!”
“John Lennon.”

Last night was a good night. The dancing, the drinking, the music, the company we keep. How my hands burn from the endless clapping, and the arches in my feet have a pulsing sting, my eyes burn from lack of sleep, and my body moves a bit slower today – my mind following some what behind.

We danced, and danced, and danced. The work out run. “Your sweat so sweet.” The shadows on the walls, the broken cocktail glasses on the floor, the bodies moving, and yet a immature, child-like smile across our faces.

Goldfish crackers, top 5’s, “High Fidelity” moments, and you, me, and the Beatles.

a life worth living

2006-08-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

I spent an hour or so at work today filling out these goal sheets they give us. Let me preface this by saying, I work with awesome people that have their heads on straight. Though sometimes they sound like a self help book, I believe that as people they strive to be the best by constantly evaluating their lives, finding the features and flaws, and working to use them both positively.

With that said, part of the new employee packet is a goal form. Within this form there are 6 sections to evaluate your life in. You do a now and a year out estimation. It’s good to look at things when you have stepped back from the moment and that is kind of what this allows you to do -write it all down and then look at it as a whole.

I’m not going to bore you with reiterating everything I’ve written down. But I will let you in on some of my goals for the next year or so.

Meaningful Goals:
Find the time to breathe. Not just live, but be a live with much emotion, feeling, fear, and excitement.

Personal Goals:
Eat salads often. Less ice cream and more frozen yogurt. I have a dreaded 3 lbs that I have been making foolish attempts to lose and failing at. I just want the three lbs to go.

Fun Goals:
Travel more. Take weekend trips down the coast, see LA, visit Seattle, shop in San Francisco.

There are a lot more “personal” goals to say the least. But I find these to be the most exciting. The possibility of seeing and doing. And in the process, I will change because of my many experiences.

I start grad school in 3 weeks. The fear of living like I am 35 at 22 sounds horrible. And though I have defiantly started to settle into a lifestyle and a way of living, I still want to live.

somedays it's all so clear

2006-08-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

Something about today made me miss Seattle. Driving down Q street, something just reminded me. Perhaps it was the fact that I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to eat and all I could think of was the little gelato and postcard place ½ block from my old apartment that sold tomato, basil, and mozzarella sandwiches. Today, that sandwich, and a walk around the lake or near the water sounded nice. The breeze. Actually I could go for cold weather, a scarf, and a jacket. I miss wearing black skirts, black sweaters, my jacket.

I miss the way the city looked. When I worked there, I worked in the international district on top a hill. You could go up a spiral staircase to the roof. From there you could see all the city and across the water. I miss the way it looked.
Some of the best sunsets.
And the freeway that wrapped around the water and hugged the side of the city.
I miss it.

I miss going to Easy Street records and eating soup at Pagliacci which I am sure I didn’t spell right. I miss the strawberry things at café lladro. I miss going to re-bar to hear Eric dj and though 15 people showed up, his music selection was far better than anything else I’ve ever heard. I miss the shops, the big buildings, the small Italian restaurant on 15th in Capitol Hill. Specialties.

I miss Christmas where it is actually cold. I miss the way I felt the first time I ever saw it snow. I miss growing up somewhere new, exciting, and different. I miss feeling lost, alone, scared. At least I was feeling.

I hate the fact that I realize these things now. I hate that I was so stuck on misconceptions and discomfort and failed to move past it. I regret that I went to bed so early. And that I stayed in at night.

I miss the W. I miss french fries and garlic bread at Dads. I miss the sense of discovery and all the messed up feeling that exist there. I miss the residential streets so close together, the Thai house, the ocean where we said someday we’ll go across to see the rainforest on the other side.

Some days you have to stop thinking or you’ll just cry. Cry and Cry and Cry. Listen to Rocky Votalato and you’ll remember it all, see it so clearly, and feel that absence of a place I overlooked but in my mistakes have grown to love.

Foward

2006-08-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

I have been slacking perhaps. More of less, I have been exceptionally busy adjusting to changes. Within the last week I have started a new job (finally), moved from a one bedroom to a two bedroom apartment, and attempted to straighten out financial aid just in time for grad school to start in september. Its nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel and all the possibilities that exsist because of it.

I've spent the week adjusting to a new job and moving into the new place. TJ and I spent last night drinking and I hate to use the word reflecting but for lack of a better phrase, we reflected on how we felt about moving. There is so much I could say but I will do my best to limit my idea....

I told tj that I love the new place. Not because it is bigger and "cooler" and merely because of the fact that it is more. But I love it because of what it has allowed me to do. I read (present tense) or read (past tense). I forgot though. For the last 8 months my books have been packed away in the closet with other crap and I never thought about it. But the new space has allowed me to open up all the things that I haven't had to space for and remind myself just exactly who I am and what I love. I love reading. I love books. I love a well crafted sentence. Writing being the essence of communication only one has the time to think, revise, and refine before committing to there use of language. I love it. And today and yesterday I was reminded of that when I pulled down the boxes of books and lined them up on the shelf to stare at every day.

Aside from my books and all that the subject entails, I got to re-visit my magazines. They all have been hidden within the clutter of my old place. But in moving, I dusted them all and got a chance to remember what it is I love about magazines, the paper, the print, the image, the idea. Media.

And fashion. The new place has the most amazing closets. I color sorted TJs shirts in the closet and upon looking at it he said "I feel like I am in Bananna Republic." Now someday I would hope I have 30 closets with Marc Jacobs tank tops, Chanel shoes and purses and sunglasses, Gucci bags, Diesel jeans, little Prada black dresses hanging in them. But for the moment Banana Republic will do and I love the fact that I have a walls length of a closet with my Michael Kors and Gucci bags, my 2 pair of Diesel Jeans, and heels that drive TJ crazy. I love clothes, the evolution of fashion, how things change and reoccur, and recreate the concept. I love it.

To add to all the reminders that surround me and reinforce who I believe myself to be and what my interest are. I finally am getting the internet for my house. With grad school starting it is necessary and getting the internet is a reminder of what is waiting for my with some hard work (a masters degree).

To top it off.........one month of work plus the new place means I get a dog. A jack russell terrier to be specific. And I can't wait.

With all this said, I've read two books this week, my work has required I read them..."Raving Fan" and "Who Moved My Cheese". The cheese book is basic but worth the reading. Takes less than an hour. Go get it.

I get the internet on Thursday so hopefully with that I will stay on top of things and be a bit more timely with these post.

With all that being said, I think I am up to date and needless to say for once, in a very long time, I am looking forward to waking up to the sun peeking in the windows, getting my double espresso over ice and blue berry scone, and driving 25 blocks to work tomorrow. I am finally looking forward.

Blur.

2006-08-07T17:15:00.000-07:00

Its been 5 months since TJ and I moved back from Seattle and it can be stated that nothing worked for me the way I expected. The last two months have felt like a minor mid-life crisis / natural disaster.

My expecations we're not exactly meet with satisfactory approval. From the potential of friends that never quite worked out, our white trash apartment, the job from hell, my best friend deciding I wasn't her friend, getting fired, 2 deaths, and the 108 weather, all of it added up and the only thing I can think to say is "its been ruff."

The last 5 months have entailed all of these things and more and the end result has been a rather exhausted, unmotivated, lifeless, and depressed ME. The last two months closely resemble one of those days you drank to much and stayed up too late and then had to get up at 6 in the morning for a job interview you weren't exactly up for. And the day dragged on until you got home and for some reason couldn't sleep but your eyes burned. And so you sat and watched MTV hating every moment of it yet wishing you had every twenty thousand dollar thing that flashed across the screen.

This has been the last two months. A slow process that exploded into two months of a mere monotone, motionless moment that lasted from July 30 until now.

With this said, I got a job today. Not the expected, not exactly what I had hoped for. But something that could end up being the perfect fit between work, grad school, and leaving a little free time.

Hopefully this will be the beginning of something good. I've taken out a student loan, got a job in mid-town, and tomorrow TJ and I look at a two bedroom apartment so that he can begin building a recording studio and I can finally get a jack russell terrier. There is some oxygen left in the air, though it hasn't felt that way for quite some time.

Nothing in life is perfect, and nothing seems to work the way you want it to. Alteast not for me, atleast not now. But that isn't to say the potential for things to clear up and smooth themselves out is great. And perhaps by my birthday in september things will be looking up and perhaps I will feel that way.

And for now, my last day of unemployement, I decided to play in the bathroom, putting on more makeup then I think i have ever worn, and from here I am going to meet my mom for a pedicure and know that tomorrow is a new day and perhaps the beginning to the end. Or perhaps just a new beginning.

Phase 2

2006-07-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

I got accepted to the Academy of Arts in San Francisco to work on my MFA in Advertising. School starts in September. Im scared shitless and excited as all hell. It can't wait to start classes. Its going to make me poor but its totally worth it. I hated undergraduate studies and it is nice to be excited about going back to school for something i am interested in.

I register for classes tomorrow - strategic thinking, art direction, and copywriting. so good, so good.

i need a vacation

2006-07-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

no need to ask questions, i know the answer. who hasnt had the feeling of wanting to be somewhere else. not perminantly or temporarly but for the moment somewhere else just sounds nice.

i've be unemployeed for two weeks tomorrow and it is a rather desperate feeling. quite boring actually. i enjoy waking up and walking to the coffee shop to look for jobs but i hate knowing i dont have a pay check coming and I cant make any plans until i get a job.

recently and quite often i feel scattered. its hard for my brain to focus on anything. its not that things are good and bad but i think at this point I would like one extreme or another. im beginning to slip into that place where you dont feel much at all. whether bad or good, its emotions that give meaning to things and make you feel "alive" instead of just "a live." and i guess this is what i want.

there are many things i am waiting for.

-grad school acceptance
-the job at FOX40
-a job in general
-2 interviews in san francisco
-moving into a new place with two rooms
-getting out of my lease

eventually something has to fall in line. one or two of these things have to happen and then the rest of the list will begin to fall into place. waiting sucks. waiting for my coffee, waiting for a job, its the same kind of impatient fustration. but there is not much more one can do but wait.

the future is yours to own

2006-07-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

its been a crazy past few weeks. but i just applied for grad school in the fall. keep your fingers crossed.

the struggle

2006-07-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

i write this knowning that when i finish i will stand up and walk to the bank to deposit my last pay check. there is something in that that is scary and final. i've been unemployed for three days and am hating every moment of it. it couldn't have been a worse week to be looking for a job thanks to the fourth of july. its like a three day set back and hopefully tomorrow will have a better out look. im not holding my breath.

i looked at other job options today. those "not options" until i have no luck finding a salary job. the coffee shop, waitress, work at the limited type jobs. and the fact that i even have to consider "those" jobs options scares the shit out of me and makes me want to cry.

looking for a job, any job sucks. the process of checking your email thirty times a day and sitting in the same coffee shop chair that leads to back aches sucks. perhaps i am supposed to imbrace this process, value my time sitting next to a window, but i dont feel that way. its not the lack of money, or the lack of ability to spend it, but its the instability, the not knowning. if i was told i will have a job in 3 weeks i would be okay. i'd spend no money, survive and have the peace of knowning i will soon be employeed. but the unknown leads to fear and uncertianity and a slight overtone of hopelessness.

i would like one interview. just one. a little spark. the search continues.

feeling a little like this:

2006-07-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

so i thought friday was a good day until three o'clock rolled around and the world seemed to shift just enough and in the end i think i got fucked pretty good. i was called into human resources and let go. current status = unemployed. logicly one goes I'll find a new job it will be okay. But last time i checked i live in sacramento and the average job postings for marketing related positions amount to maybe 10 a week. that of which maybe 3 pay more than 11 dollars an hour which is crap. Who the hell lives on 11 dollars an hour, or 12, or 13. last time i checked i went to college for a reason. to get paid more that the people working at starbucks.

Anyways, spent the weekend considering my options aside from the obvious get a job to pay my bills. The options are as follows.

Option 1. Find a job in San Francisco. there are probably 10 postings a day, all of which pay between 35,000 - 48,000. I've only been out of college a year and i'd like to land 40,000 but i think i could survive on 38,000 if necessary. this also means i have to figure out how to get out of my 1 year lease, find a place to live, and move there.

Option 2. take the first job i get in sacramento, even if it is 11 dollars and atleast i will be able to pay my bills and eat. but not much more than that. and i would start the process of working my way up the latter at a job I probably will have no desire to stay at seeing that my field of choice is magazine marketing or advertising and sacramento doesn't offer much for that. If something does pop up in my area of interest of course I would take it but i wouldnt be counting on it(especially seeing that the Sacramento News and Review pay something like 13 dollars an hour to graphic designers which is a joke).

3. go back to school. San Francisco College of the Art. Master of Arts in Advertising. 3 year program = 48,000 dollars. student loans plus grandparents (if i am lucky) = 35,000 worth of debt, a masters degree, 3 years living in the city, a part time job, and some inspiration. But of course there is the debt, getting out of my lease, and finding a place to live.

At the moment I am considering the three. I've applied to jobs in Sacramento, San Francisco, and waiting to see how the job search looks at the end of the week. If by friday I don't feel good about how this is going, I think i might just call up the grandparents and see if they are will to help support me going back to school.

Needless to say, we'll see. Any suggestions.

the right side of the bed

2006-06-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

we are spending the weekend in san francisco and my entire office has just been given monday off. this means my weekend just got longer, 4 days long, and i love it.

could it get better you ask? why yes.... TJ's contract with the seattle opera was just extend a year with 6 flights to seattle included. this means he has a job, some stability, and he gets to visit seattle and its records stores every other month.

and to make things better, i found some awesome songs to listen to this morning. I already have a music blog and I promise not to turn this into one. But listen to these and know your day just got better.

Loose Joints - Tell You (Today)(vocal)
Annie - Heatbeat(phones maximo remix)

I'm off to listen to The Beatles.

breaking points

2006-06-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

ever have this feeling? the lost in it all, monotone, mundane, and boring parts of life.

i was muling over a variety of things i have heard the last few days and in the process of entertaining many conversations and ideas to improve my current "wallpaper" state, i came out with one goal...

find a new job

its dragging me down, beating me up, squashing my spirits, and more or less shitting on my every day.

ive been applying for almost a month now and landed 3 interviews all which have either been cancelled or amounted to nothing. (if only SPIN magazine would have hired me - nothing ever works exactly the way you want it to) But for the moment my goal and priority is to find a new job (and a vintage gucci bag for under 300 bucks). The job, where ever it is will lead to a variety of other options and open doors (and the gucci bag will temporary hold me over until i get the job to make me feel better). But first and foremost thats the change i am striving for and focusing on.

good luck to me. i hope i get something good quick. patience is not my virtue.

step one:

2006-06-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

i decided that perhaps i need some place to write my personal thoughts. And seeing that i am horrible at sitting down and writing, perhaps this with serve to keep record of my past days and years. with that said, i am a big fan of playing catch up otherwise known as the background information.

its been a rough week. two weeks. month. two months. to sum things up in one word: disappointing. two words: disappointing and unmotivating three words: disappointing and unmotivating and uninspired. its not that awful things have happen, its just that nothing in happening. i am surrounded by people who are just the same, unmotivatated and uninspired. But they are okay with it, they don't even notice it. in fact, they have been like this for the three years i have known most of them and nothing has changed.

i miss the strive for perfection, the passion to create, the desire to learn and grow and make something. i miss the people that felt the same way, that saw things "differently" that inspired me to see things differently.

its been 105 the last week. this makes it difficult to go outside, to be inspired by what is around you instead of the people. add that to the sinus infection i have and you'll find yourself in a rather stagnate place. and of course, this feeling has dragged on for days and days and weeks.

with that said, i have considered moving to san francisco. in fact, i probably will move there sometime soon (soon being when a job pops up). i had an interview on monday and am keeping my fingers cross but doubtful.

when you get to this place you say to yourself "i need something" when in fact that something is "change." either i will change, the situation will change, or my location will change, but change is something i'm hoping for and definatly looking into.